Existential OCD
*trigger warnings, post is not my usual content.
There’s a space in my mind the wise soul the old soul the collective consciousness that sometimes feels like it may never die. Like when we talk about the Earth exploding, or the Sun no longer burning, or global warming and the end of the world, I feel like I will be there with my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren, like somehow a piece of me will be there to witness, experience the end of it all. It’s a collapsing fear that feels as ginormous and overwhelming as, well the end of it all. Somehow in my consciousness, there is a knowingness about the pain of “the end.” When really, what I am likely most afraid of is the loss of consciousness. The loss of consciousness at the end of my life, the forever finality of no more living. Somehow the human experience is designed so that every night I face my death, and every morning I relive my birth. I am conscious again. I think to myself. I hate those quotes too. “Live every day as if it’s your last.” If it was my last fucking day I would have sex without protection, if it was my last fucking day I would the best drugs out there, if it was the last fucking day, I would gamble all my money away and tell my job I am leaving, and trash my apartment. Bullshit on the “sentiment” of the phrase. “Live every day for tomorrow” I hate the…
